One of the best ways to create the life you want to live is to learn when to say no. By saying no to the things that aren’t a hell yes for you, you make room for the things that light up for you, the choices that keep you on your true path.
Don't let your default answer be yes
Try to avoid the knee-reaction of automatically saying yes. When you’re faced with a decision to do or not to do, to accept or decline, to commit or not, ask yourself if it’s a hell yes. If it’s not a hell yes, consider a polite no. You’re the only one who can know what you can do wholeheartedly. And if you can’t do it with your whole heart, maybe it’s not for you. Just because that time is available on your calendar doesn’t mean your auto-response needs to be yes.
How to know a hell yes
When something is a hell yes, you know it in your gut. Your reaction to a hell yes is generally instantaneous. You feel energized and excited. You intuitively know that this is a next step on your true path. You don’t need to stop and give it more consideration, to make a list of pros and cons, to weigh the logical reasons you should or you shouldn’t. If you have to think about, it’s probably not a hell yes.
You can only say yes to so much
Any time you make a choice, you’re choosing against something else. Sometimes that’s obvious, like when you accept one of two job offers, you have to decline the other. But often we’re faced with decisions that aren’t clearly a choice between two things.
If you agree to chair a committee, that doesn’t mean you can’t also join a pickleball league. However if you say yes to everything that comes your way, you will probably create a stressful life, one where you feel overwhelmed, too busy to take care of yourself or others, too over-scheduled to choose a hell yes when you see one.
You are not your calendar
In decades past, our culture seemed to equate being too busy with being important. When I was younger, during the years when we were building our careers and our family, I habitually said yes to too much. My self image was tied to being super busy — and unfortunately, super stressed.
A trend I welcome is the perception of time as the new luxury. Consider that a calendar jam-packed with meetings, commitments and social engagements does not necessarily mean you’re living your best life. A to-do list that never ends won’t give you time just to be.
It's hard to say no
One of the reasons our default response to any request is yes is because saying no requires more emotional work. Say yes, and whoever asked is happy. Say no and you risk disappointing someone, hurting their feelings, letting them down. If you’re talking yourself into it by saying it’s for a good cause, or you won’t take that much time, or she’s a nice person, stop. Maybe they’re not that into you. What if they asked just to be nice?
Make room for someone else to say yes
You’re not the only person who can fill this spot. If you say no, they’ll just move down the list and ask the next person. Consider the possibility that this could be a hell yes for someone else. It might be just the thing to keep them on their true path. Don’t be so egotistical as to think that you’re the only one capable of doing whatever it is that needs doing.
If it's not a hell yes, it's a no
One of the time-saving, angst-preventing aspects of the hell yes question is this. If it’s not a hell yes, you don’t have to figure out what else it is. It’s just a no. There’s absolutely no need to spend time grappling with the minutia of reasons that it’s not quite right for you. Move on.
To buy or not to buy
To illustrate this principle with a very basic example, think of shopping for clothes. You try on a sweater, a shirt, a dress, whatever. When you look in the mirror, you might instantly know that this item is a hell yes. Great. Buy it.
But you also might look in the mirror and think about how it’s such a great buy while it’s on sale. Or that you’re going to lose a few pounds soon and then it will look great. Or the fabric is itchy, but you’ll get used to it. If you ordered it online, you might be thinking it will be a lot of trouble to return it. These are not signs of identifying a hell yes purchase.
The cost of saying yes
When you’re tempted to agree to something you know is not a hell yes, ask yourself what it will cost to say yes. How much of a hassle, how much time, how much wear and tear will it be? Sometimes it’s easy to imagine that you’ll feel like doing something if it’s far in the future. For some reason, it’s easier to commit to something out on the horizon, something your future self will have to deal with. Ask yourself if the commitment were for today, if you’d feel like doing it right now.
The truly responsible choice is not to agree to things you’ll do halfheartedly. You would be shortchanging the other person involved, the organization, the committee, the team, the cause.
Building a hell yes life
When you begin saying no to the things that aren’t a hell yes for you, a beautiful thing happens. You’ll find yourself spending more time on the things that you really want to do. Your days will be filled with things that make you feel energized and excited — and also with some empty space. Your calendar becomes roomier. You become more relaxed. You may discover you’re living a life of greater joy and more ease.
You also make room for the unexpected opportunities and last-minute possibilities. When a new hell yes appears, you’ll have the capacity to take it on. Create space in your life, and watch how the world responds.
